What Doesn't Kill You....

What Doesn't Kill You......

“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone”

I don't think Kelly Clarkson meant this song to be spiritual in nature, but it is was for me. This used to be my mantra, my anthem: I am strong, I am capable, I am together! But then the unimaginable happened and suddenly I wasn't.

I have lived through the unlivable. I survived what I never thought I could. And I was not strong. I was scared, I felt alone, I was lonely, I was downright panicked. I was nearly swallowed by the darkness and the hopelessness. But I survived. I am surviving. And not on my own. There was a Power at work in me that I acknowledged, but didn't understand. There was a Power in me that was pulling for me when I wanted to give in and give up. God's Spirit was in me saying, “You'll get through this. You are going to make it. You don't have to know how and you don't have to figure it all out. All you have to do is trust. But you will need help. Accept My help.”

Help has never been easy for me to accept. Needing help on any level is a sign of weakness. And weakness is a bad thing, or so I always thought. Weakness opens you up – it opens up the cracks for others to get in, to see inside, to see the mess that is really me in spite of what I pretend. And that mess is not pretty – it is petty, it is scared, it is doubtful, it is selfish, it is greedy, it is even bitter and unforgiving and angry sometimes-no, a lot of the time, it feels entitled, and it is very prideful. It is human. And it wants to be loved and if all that ugliness that is the mess of me is known to you, then you may not love me.

And if you don't love me, that means I am no good – right? I am not worthy of love if you know all the mess inside. So I will put up the facade – the “I have it all together” attitude, the “Yes, I am fine” face, the “I can handle this all on my own” pose, the “I've got this” stance. And then the unthinkable happens and all those shields crumble, they shatter into tiny pieces all around you and land at your feet and you are left defenseless, visible to for all to see who you really are – actually who you really are not. You are not strong, you don't have it all together, you totally do not have this – whatever this is for you. 

For me, it was my husband dying. For you it might be death of a loved one, but it might not. It might be a diagnosis you didn't want. It might be a financial crisis you can't see a way through. It might be a prodigal son or daughter. It might be a job loss, or a move, or a hurtful word or betrayal from someone you thought trustworthy. It might be any one of a million things that just destroys and crumbles the tidy little life you have set up and all the shields and fences you put up around you to keep the mess in. And suddenly, the mess is no longer contained, but out there. You have become the mess you have fought so hard to hide deep inside. And you are ashamed. You are ashamed you are not strong, you are ashamed you aren't together, you are ashamed you DO NOT HAVE THIS. 

But slowly, very slowly, over time, you are able to see just a tiny bit around the mess, through the mess, a little glance above the mess, a tiny glimpse past the mess, And there are people still there. And God is still there. You have not been left alone in your mess. You never were. And you still are not strong, you still are not together, you still don't have this. But there are still people there, and more importantly, God is still there. He knows your mess, all of it – He always has. And yet, He is still there – He always was. 

You begin to see the pale pinks and purples of the sunrise, you begin to hear the birds sing again, you begin to feel the ground beneath your feet. And you realize it was there all along. You put one foot in front of the other when that was all you could manage, and suddenly you feel like you might again, one day, dance or skip or even run. You find small pleasure in things you thought you never would again. The fog begins to lift just a bit and the sun is still there – it shines through, gently and warmly. You begin to feel the raindrops instead of the storm. And through it all, people are still there. Through it all, God is still there. Your mess-your brokenness, your flaws, your tears and your wailings, your doubts and your fears? Your mess did not scare God off. He didn't turn His back on you. He held you in the palm of His hand and patiently waited for you to notice. He waited for you to notice that HE is strong, that HE has it all together, that HE has got this for you – whatever “it” is.

No, what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger – it makes you weaker. Yes, weakness opens you up. And maybe that was what it was intended to do all along.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. II Corinthians 12:9

Fathers and Daughters

May 27, 2014

Since the beginning of families, since Adam and Eve, there has been dysfunction.  There has been hurt and jealousy and rivalry and downright ugliness.  This is not a new thing- not to my generation, whose fathers' were strict and not very hands-on;, not to my mother's generation, whose fathers' worked from dawn until dusk; and not in my children's generation, whose fathers' tend to be more hands on but sometimes more in touch with their electronic connections than their human ones.

As women, our fathers shape so much of our identity.  They shape how we see ourselves and how we see the men in our lives and how we filter our relationships with other women. They shape how we expect to be treated and how we expect to be loved.  Don't feel like you could ever do enough to earn your father's love as a child?  Then you probably don't feel like you really deserve to be loved as a grown woman.  Never really felt like you lived up to your father's expectations?  Then you probably won't live up to anyone else's expectations, including your own. Father not present in your life, either physically or emotionally?  Then you probably don't deserve to have someone present in your life now. These are the lies that we have told ourselves over and over until they have become our unconscious truths.

It seems many of the women of my generation ( I am the tail end of the baby boomers), shared the same experiences growing up -our fathers were hard-working, strict disciplinarians, conservative, critical, and emotionally distant.  Or as my teenage self viewed it- the epitome of the "establishment".

Many of us live our lives never realizing that how we processed our father's actions when we were young continue to impact how we process (and react to) the relationships in our lives when we are grown.  Ever wonder why you turn right back into that rebellious teenager when around your father (or other male authority figures)?  Ever wonder why, as a grown woman, you cannot relate to your father on a "grown-up" level?  I have.  And it has made me question myself-"what is wrong with me that I can't just get over this?  Why do other women not seem to struggle with the need for approval and the need to be accepted from their fathers when I still do so many years after it should have ceased to matter? Am I the only person who still struggles with this?"

I don't think so.  All we have to do is look at the divorce statistics in our society today (both in and out of the Church), the number of children being raised either fatherless or with multiple father figures who pass in and out of their lives, and society's attitude toward marriage in general, to see many of us have not "gotten past" this and have not learned to handle our relationships in a healthy, Godly manner.

Some of you reading this may be thinking at this point, "What in the world is she even talking about?"  If that is you, my feelings will not be the least bit hurt if you don't read another word here. If you can relate on any level, please read on. 

If we never realize and acknowledge the hurts we incurred at our fathers' hands, whether intended or not, we will never realize how they continue to impact our view of ourselves and the people around us, including those closest to us- our children, our spouses, our siblings, and even our closest friends. Admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. Admitting you avoid conflict because chances are someone will be angry with you and if someone is angry with you, they won't love you and you must be loved at all costs-admitting this is the first step.  Admitting you invite and even instigate conflict because you relate to others best when one of you is angry-admitting this is the first step. Admitting you procrastinate tasks because you figure you will blow whatever you attempt because you never manage to get it right anyway-admitting this is the first step. Admitting you take on more than you can handle in order to earn the approval of others- admitting this is the first step.

And the next step? Admitting (and believing-this takes some time and patience with yourself and  lots of continual prayer) that none of this matters!   Regardless of how we were treated by our earthly fathers, regardless of they standards they dangled in front of us that we could never quite meet, regardless of the love that we felt was almost within our grasp if we just tried a little harder, it doesn't matter!  It doesn't matter because we have a Father in Heaven who loves us with an everlasting, unending, incomparable, unexplainable love!  Just as we are - shortcomings and all, at out best and at our worst, in our shining moments and in our failures.  

We no longer have to prove ourselves, we no longer have to fight for the love and approval we so desperately long for, we no longer have to fight at all! When Christ died on the cross, He said, "It is finished." (John 19:30)  Our fights for approval, our strivings to please, our desperation for love? "It is finished."

God told His children, the Israelites , "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." (Isaiah 43:4)  The nation of Israel were His chosen people, the people He promised all the world would be blessed through.  And they were precious and honored in His sight and He loved them enough to give nations in exchange for them, to make sure they were safe and provided for.  If you are in Christ, you are now one of His chosen people and He loves you, you are precious and honored in His sight.  He will give nations in exchange for you.  He loves you that much!  The God of the Universe is willing to do anything for you! And He did - He gave up what He loved the most - He gave His Son for you.

And all that stuff we didn't get growing up?  We now have it all in abundance, more than we ever could have imagined  - we are precious and honored and loved!

A New Thing

April 2013
It took me a while to even locate my blog out here in cyberspace. Imagine my surprise to see my last post was in 2010! Obviously, I have not been very dedicated to blogging. Lately, though, I have been feeling the "bug" to start writing again. Some of my motivation is personal - I have recently (3 1/2 months ago) become a widow - a word I had always associated with much older, gray-haired ladies. To find myself in this category at the age of 57 was, understatedly, a surprise. There are so many things I still have to process and wrap my head around, things I am still getting used to, trying to figure out. But more importantly, I have so many things to share about God's grace, timing, and provision that I felt compelled to start writing again.

 It is feeling like Spring here - a full month after the calendar told us it should be here, but waiting only makes the arrival that much sweeter. My husband always loved Spring. He was passionate, to say the least, about our lawn. Working all day out in the yard was not work to him, but pure joy. He took pride in having a well manicured, green lawn. My passion runs more toward bright, colorful flowers rather than green grass, but the two complimented each other nicely. Unfortunately, our beautiful lawn is not so beautiful this Spring. At least half of the yard is brown dirt with no hint of green coming through. So, I had a choice to make. Do I hire someone to fix it? (My husband would have known exactly what the problem was and how to fix it.). Do I leave it and hope for the best? Or do I put on my big girl pants, do some research, and get out there and get dirty and try to figure out and fix the problem on my own?

May 2014
A year later, I am revisiting this post. I obviously wasn't ready to share my thoughts last year - still too much to process, I guess. The learning and processing isn't done and I imagine will never be, but I have come a long way in 15 months. God has carried me through another winter, a very long one, and is gently breathing new life into me.

One of the things I love most about spring is the new, fresh, tender life it brings. It comes gradually, quietly, and sometime retreats for a bit. At first, it seems like it will never come, but then you start to see small, subtle signs-gentle breezes bringing a new, clean smell to the air, daylight lasting a bit longer, tiny green shoots pushing up through the dry, dead leaves.

God brings healing the same way- slowly, gently, new life pushing up through what has felt dry and dead. The daylight seems to last a bit longer and the long nights get shorter. And, yes, at times it seems to retreat. The thing about Spring? If you don't go through a Winter, if you don't go through seasons, sometimes you can take the coming of Spring for granted. Know that whatever season you may be in, God will bring you through it and Spring will come again. It may not come as quickly as you would like, but trust that it will come. And while you are waiting? God promises never to leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) and to hold you in His hand (Psalm 37:24).

Oh, the dead spots in the lawn? Grubs! The problem is not completely fixed, but the dead spots are smaller this year, there is new, tender grass sprouting, and more seed has been sown. Just like God is doing in my life and like He will do in yours-the dead spots will recede and He will grow new things in you.

God's Garden

Fall is one of the most beautiful times of the year here. The trees are magnificent with their palette of colors, like God took his paint brush and splashed the most brilliant of colors He has all over them. The sky is the most pure of blues. The sun, while still warm, is gentle on your face. But it is also a time of transition - transition into winter.

It can be bone chilling cold here in Michigan in winter. The kind of cold that takes your breath away. The kind of cold that makes you feel like your bones could just snap. The kind of cold that makes you long for spring. The blue of the sky is rarely seen. Instead it is usually a dark, heavy gray that you can feel weighing down on your shoulders. But every once in a while there is a day that is sunny & warmer than normal and teases you that spring is on the way, a promise of things to come. But winter here is much longer than the calender tells us, lasting sometimes into mid April, so you know you must wait a little longer. But then......


The days get longer, the temperatures stay warmer for days at a time and the wind blows in the smell of spring. The smell of wet, dark earth and the fresh, clean, smell of green. The rains come and wash away the leftovers of winter. Things that were brown begin showing tinges of color. Branches that have been bare become heavy with buds. Spring bulbs poke tentative, tiny green shoots up through the ground. And you long to be out in God's creation. The time of self-imposed hibernation is over and the outside beckons.

When I pull those dead leaves off & uncover tender, new green shoots poking through the dirt, I am always reminded of the work God has done in my life. Of how He rescued me from a very long, dark winter season in my life. I had buried myself in more than leaves for several years. God gently uncovered all the dead & dirt from my life to show me how I could become new in Him. He breathed new life in me through His Son.

And yet, the gentleness and newness of spring does not last. Soon, the sun will become fierce and the rains that were so plentiful dwindle or stop all together. If these new plants are not watered and fed, they become wilted and brown. New growth dries up and if not tended and cared for, dies. Yet if nurtured and tended to, these plants become strong. They grow tall, reaching up to the sun and can withstand the heat it will soon bring.

Very much like my soul. If I do not let God nurture and tend to me, my soul dries up, withers, becomes brown. I do not grow tall or strong and cannot withstand the heat of the circumstances of my life. God does not wish for my soul to become brown and brittle. Jesus said ,"I am the vine and my Father is the gardner......you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;.....This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit..." (John 15: 1, 5, & 8)

God, this is my prayer:
Tend to my soul and nourish it. Remind me, when necessary, that I cannot feed myself, only You can reach those places in me that need tending to the most. Help me to remain in You, so that I can bear much fruit for You, no matter what the season of my life. Amen

Please, God, can I stay up on this mountain top with You?

We've all been there.....

You have been to a worship service or a retreat or a concert that has so uplifted you, has so inspired you, that you know this time it will stick. You feel like you have been to the mountaintop. You feel so connected with God. You can see the woman He wants you to be all the time and you know you can do it!

You will write those notes of encouragement, you will be a nice to your husband and kids no matter what their attitudes are, you will keep your house in order (after all, God is a God of order, not chaos, right?), you will pray daily for all the people on the prayer list, you will take time to visit with that neighbor you don't know very well but seems lonely, you will not join in the gossip at work, you will share your faith with others...And the list goes on and on - the things we know we are supposed to do, but don't always because life and our own stuff gets in the way. But you know this time will be different from the others. This time, you won't let anything stop you - you are on fire for God. You are ready to be used for great things.

And then you get home......
Back to real life....
Home to the same dishes that were in the sink when you left....
Home to homework left until late Sunday night to finish....
Home to an urgent message from work that has to be handled now...
Home to crank, needy kids...
Home to .....lots of things that weren't up there on that mountain top.

And you feel your inspiration and resolve deflate a little, but that's OK. You take a deep breath, breath a little prayer, paste a smile on your face, and dig in to what ever needs to be done and try to stifle that little feeling of resentment that you feel building. That feeling that tells you that these things could have been taken care of without you. That feelings that says "Do I have to handle everything myself?" That feeling that says, "I was created for bigger things than this."

And that feeling of connectedness with God seems a little farther away. But once you get all this mundane, every day stuff handled, you will get it back. That connection you felt. That inspiration you felt. That feeling that God was about to use you for BIG things.

But what if the great things God wants to use you for start with the little, mundane, every day things like being patient with cranky kids and co-workers? What if the great thing He wants you to do is to write notes or make encouraging phone calls? What if this - your every day life -is where God wants to connect with you?

Many Scriptures talk about "everything":
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets -Matt. 7:12.
....and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.Matt. 28:20I
Do everything in love. I Cor. 16:14
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. II Cor. 7:1,
Do everything without complaining or arguing, Phil 2:14,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6,
In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness,... Titus 2:7

Does God mean everything that we think is worthy? I don't think so. If that was what He meant, wouldn't He have said that? God can surely use us for BIG things, but since He is the God of all things, can't He also use us in mighty ways in all the things that seem not so mighty to us? If He had intended for us to be on the mountaintop all the time, that is exactly where we would be. But instead He put us in our families, in our neighborhoods, in our jobs, and even in our churches, where we can make a mighty difference in sometimes very small ways.

I think He takes us to the mountaintop sometimes to give us a little preview of what Eternity with Him will be like. But for now, in this earthly life, He has placed wherever we are to be His light in both big and small ways.

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness! Matt. 25:23

Secrets

Remember when you were little and you would share secrets with your best friend? You would tell your secret only after your friend had pinky-sworn not to tell anyone. Sometimes, it was at a sleep over and you were in the dark under the covers, which made the shared secret seem even more special. There was power in that shared secret that only the two of you had -you had a special, often fragile bond formed by that secret. There was also the potential for betrayal with a shared secret, so you had to pick who you shared with very carefully. Sharing a secret implied trust in the person you were sharing with. Sometimes that trust was betrayed bringing embarrassment and anger. But for the most part, when we were young, secrets were special - something to giggle over in the dark or behind the school.

And then there were the secrets we didn't dare share. Dark secrets that were somehow our fault and we were warned not to tell as no one would understand and it wouldn't be special anymore. The longer a secret is kept, the stronger it becomes and the more the power the Enemy can bestow upon it. Power to make us feel ashamed and guilty. Power to make us feel unworthy of any of the good things life has to offer. Power to make us unworthy of any kind of love, especially the most powerful love there is - the love of God.

We hide our secrets in deep, dark places inside. And they become deeper and darker until there is no deeper, darker place they can go and they have to come out. They come out in anger and rage and bitterness, they come out in control issues, they come out in depression and eating disorders, they come out in addictions and broken relationships. Because we don't deserve any better - we have become the shame of our secret. We have believed the lies the Enemy has whispered in our ear for years. You see, the Enemy thrives in the dark places of our life, the places we have shut out the light.

We may or may not be successful in hiding our secrets from the people in our lives, but there is One we can never hide them from. He is there in the darkest, deepest places we can find to bury our shame and hurt. He is there and waiting - waiting to light the darkness; waiting to mend the broken, torn places; waiting to the expose the lies we have been told and believed and replace them with Truth. But we are the only one who holds the keys to those hidden places and we have the choice whether to unlock the door or keep it locked up tight. We have the choice to accept the love & grace he offers or we can choose to be a prisoner of our past, whatever it holds. He sent His most precious offering, His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we no longer have to be in bondage.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.", in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, (absolutely nothing - the Message) will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39 NIV- italics mine).

Read that again & let it sink in - if the King of the Universe, the One who set the stars in the sky, is for us - for you and me - then who can dare to bring a charge of shame or guilt against us? He longs for us to give up our darkness and to give it up to Him. Somewhere along the way, amid the lies, we have convinced ourselves our secret is so horrible and so big that He can't handle it! Or, even worse, that He doesn't want to! So, we think we have to handle it in our own broken ways - ways that always harm us and usually those around us, too.

Will it be easy? No - putting broken things back together is never easy. Will it be terrifying? Yes - but "perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4: 18b) Will it hurt? Yes - Light always hurts after darkness until we become used to the light. Will it be worth it? Absolutely - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

To My Mama

Dear Mom,
Did I ever tell you that you’re my hero? I know that sounds trite, but when I look back over the years and I think of all the things I have learned from you, I am amazed that a farm girl from a small town could be so wise and so strong.

You have not always had an easy life, but you always persevered. You hung in there when you had to be a full-time single working mother to a little girl in a time when that was not very socially acceptable. You hung in there when you had to move away from your family & friends for your husband’s job. You hung in there when you had a child born with a birth defect. You hung in there when you had a rebellious teenage daughter that ridiculed all the things you held dear. You hung in there when you were diagnosed with a disease that could be managed, but not cured.

You taught me that God will provide when you can’t imagine how. I cherish the story of how you would put your last $2 in the offering at church, not knowing how you were going to feed us for the week, yet somehow, we always managed to eat. Even though I was very small, I don’t ever remember feeling afraid or sad during that time in our lives, even though I’m sure most days you were both.

You taught me that people make mistakes and it’s not our place to judge. When 2 of my friends got pregnant in high school, your response has always stayed with me. You said, “They must have really loved him.” No judgment about right or wrong because you knew that would have started one of those battles that I was so fond of at the time and closed the door for any further discussions.

You taught me that doctors don’t always know what’s best for your child and to trust your heart.

You taught me that home is always home. When I thought I knew everything at 18 & decided to move across country with about two cents in my pocket and dubious travelling company, you told me I could always come home. Your love was always unconditional, even when I made choices that made you angry or broke your heart.

You taught me that nature and the beauty in it are one of God’s nicest gifts to us and to stop and take time to appreciate it.

You taught me that God has a purpose for us regardless of what our circumstances are and will see us through anything. I pray God has granted me the wisdom to impart the faith and strength and unconditional love to my boys that you have given me. I know you don’t always feel strong, but you are one of the strongest women I know. Yes, you are truly my hero.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.