Today marks 4 years and 4 months since you left us - 52 months, 224 weeks, 1,580 days. In terms of Eternity, it is just a drop in the bucket of time. Most days, it seems like a lifetime ago. In many ways, it was. Life is different in so many ways now. Memories are marked by what happened while you were still alive and what has happened since you left.
And there are so many memories. Some are the huge, life- changing ones - weddings, births, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays; but most of them are the little things. The hundred little things and more. Those moments in time, that make up a day, a week, a month, a year. The hundred little things and more that don't really seem to matter at the time because you take for granted that there will be a hundred more. And then, one day, there are no more - the memories, the hundred little things, are all that are left.
At first, every single one of them hurt. A hundred little things and more that could bring me to tears, in mere seconds. Tears that would last for hours or sometimes days. They hurt so much, cut so deep, that sometimes I could hardly breath. While I found it impossible to believe all those memories would ever become more than a reminder of what I didn't have anymore, the painful recollection of what I'd lost, the fact that you were no longer here, in time, they did. Slowly, ever so slowly, some days, when one of those hundred little things would come to mind, they would bring a smile.
They became a connection between what was, what is, and what is yet to come. They became a reminder of the past, yet at the same time, a bridge to the future. They became a source of joy and hope. (And, yes, at times, they still brought tears. Sometimes, the tears were still torrential, but more times than not, they were short- lived). They made me grateful - grateful for what we had, the life we built together, the children we had and the men they had become, and the future ahead. They made me more aware - more aware of the hundred little things and more that make up my days, weeks, and months now that will also become a part of who I am. They made me stronger because I know I can go through dark days and still come out the other side. They made me acknowledge the pain and struggles in others and understand in a much deeper way. They made me so much more attuned to both the beauty and the pain that is all around.
But most of all? They enabled me to see the Grace and Love that God surrounded me with. I always knew it was there, but it was not until it was all that was there, that I truly appreciated the depth and the magnitude of His love and grace. I never saw how He covered me with them in a hundred little ways. Not until I was able to see myself through the filter of this unending love and undeserved grace, was I able to extend them to myself and others.
So, thank you. Thank you for the life you lived. Thank you for the many gifts you left behind, for the hundred little things and more that are always in my heart and in my mind and will forever be a part of who I am. Thank you for the hundred little things and more that let me know you are never far. Thank you for loving the person that I was and helping me become the person I am now. Thank you for the sons you gave me and the father you were to them. Thank you for being here for us, then and now, in a hundred little ways and more.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Sunday, August 10, 2014
What Doesn't Kill You....
What Doesn't Kill You......
“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone”
I don't think Kelly Clarkson meant this song to be spiritual in nature, but it is was for me. This used to be my mantra, my anthem: I am strong, I am capable, I am together! But then the unimaginable happened and suddenly I wasn't.
I have lived through the unlivable. I
survived what I never thought I could. And I was not strong. I was
scared, I felt alone, I was lonely, I was downright panicked. I was
nearly swallowed by the darkness and the hopelessness. But I
survived. I am surviving. And not on my own. There was a Power at
work in me that I acknowledged, but didn't understand. There was a
Power in me that was pulling for me when I wanted to give in and give
up. God's Spirit was in me saying, “You'll get through this.
You are going to make it. You don't have to know how and you don't
have to figure it all out. All you have to do is trust. But you will
need help. Accept My help.”
Help has never been easy for me to accept. Needing help on any level is a sign of weakness. And weakness is a bad thing, or so I always thought. Weakness opens you up – it opens up the cracks for others to get in, to see inside, to see the mess that is really me in spite of what I pretend. And that mess is not pretty – it is petty, it is scared, it is doubtful, it is selfish, it is greedy, it is even bitter and unforgiving and angry sometimes-no, a lot of the time, it feels entitled, and it is very prideful. It is human. And it wants to be loved and if all that ugliness that is the mess of me is known to you, then you may not love me.
And if you don't love me, that means I am no good – right? I am not worthy of love if you know all the mess inside. So I will put up the facade – the “I have it all together” attitude, the “Yes, I am fine” face, the “I can handle this all on my own” pose, the “I've got this” stance. And then the unthinkable happens and all those shields crumble, they shatter into tiny pieces all around you and land at your feet and you are left defenseless, visible to for all to see who you really are – actually who you really are not. You are not strong, you don't have it all together, you totally do not have this – whatever this is for you.
For
me, it was my husband dying. For you it might be death of a loved
one, but it might not. It might be a diagnosis you didn't want. It
might be a financial crisis you can't see a way through. It might be
a prodigal son or daughter. It might be a job loss, or a move, or a
hurtful word or betrayal from someone you thought trustworthy. It
might be any one of a million things that just destroys and crumbles
the tidy little life you have set up and all the shields and fences
you put up around you to keep the mess in. And suddenly, the mess is
no longer contained, but out there. You have become the mess you
have fought so hard to hide deep inside. And you are ashamed. You
are ashamed you are not strong, you are ashamed you aren't together,
you are ashamed you DO NOT HAVE THIS.
But
slowly, very slowly, over time, you are able to see just a tiny bit
around the mess, through the mess, a little glance above the mess, a
tiny glimpse past the mess, And there are people still there. And
God is still there. You have not been left alone in your mess. You
never were. And you still are not strong, you still are not
together, you still don't have this. But there are still people
there, and more importantly, God is still there. He knows your mess,
all of it – He always has. And yet, He is still there – He
always was.
You
begin to see the pale pinks and purples of the sunrise, you begin to
hear the birds sing again, you begin to feel the ground beneath your
feet. And you realize it was there all along. You put one foot in
front of the other when that was all you could manage, and suddenly
you feel like you might again, one day, dance or skip or even run.
You find small pleasure in things you thought you never would again.
The fog begins to lift just a bit and the sun is still there – it
shines through, gently and warmly. You begin to feel the raindrops
instead of the storm. And through it all, people are still there.
Through it all, God is still there. Your mess-your brokenness, your
flaws, your tears and your wailings, your doubts and your fears? Your
mess did not scare God off. He didn't turn His back on you. He held
you in the palm of His hand and patiently waited for you to notice.
He waited for you to notice that HE
is strong, that HE has
it all together, that HE has
got this for you – whatever “it” is.
No,
what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger – it makes you
weaker. Yes, weakness opens you up. And maybe that was what it was
intended to do all along.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. II Corinthians 12:9
Monday, October 11, 2010
God's Garden
Fall is one of the most beautiful times of the year here. The trees are magnificent with their palette of colors, like God took his paint brush and splashed the most brilliant of colors He has all over them. The sky is the most pure of blues. The sun, while still warm, is gentle on your face. But it is also a time of transition - transition into winter.
It can be bone chilling cold here in Michigan in winter. The kind of cold that takes your breath away. The kind of cold that makes you feel like your bones could just snap. The kind of cold that makes you long for spring. The blue of the sky is rarely seen. Instead it is usually a dark, heavy gray that you can feel weighing down on your shoulders. But every once in a while there is a day that is sunny & warmer than normal and teases you that spring is on the way, a promise of things to come. But winter here is much longer than the calender tells us, lasting sometimes into mid April, so you know you must wait a little longer. But then......
The days get longer, the temperatures stay warmer for days at a time and the wind blows in the smell of spring. The smell of wet, dark earth and the fresh, clean, smell of green. The rains come and wash away the leftovers of winter. Things that were brown begin showing tinges of color. Branches that have been bare become heavy with buds. Spring bulbs poke tentative, tiny green shoots up through the ground. And you long to be out in God's creation. The time of self-imposed hibernation is over and the outside beckons.
When I pull those dead leaves off & uncover tender, new green shoots poking through the dirt, I am always reminded of the work God has done in my life. Of how He rescued me from a very long, dark winter season in my life. I had buried myself in more than leaves for several years. God gently uncovered all the dead & dirt from my life to show me how I could become new in Him. He breathed new life in me through His Son.
And yet, the gentleness and newness of spring does not last. Soon, the sun will become fierce and the rains that were so plentiful dwindle or stop all together. If these new plants are not watered and fed, they become wilted and brown. New growth dries up and if not tended and cared for, dies. Yet if nurtured and tended to, these plants become strong. They grow tall, reaching up to the sun and can withstand the heat it will soon bring.
Very much like my soul. If I do not let God nurture and tend to me, my soul dries up, withers, becomes brown. I do not grow tall or strong and cannot withstand the heat of the circumstances of my life. God does not wish for my soul to become brown and brittle. Jesus said ,"I am the vine and my Father is the gardner......you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;.....This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit..." (John 15: 1, 5, & 8)
God, this is my prayer:
Tend to my soul and nourish it. Remind me, when necessary, that I cannot feed myself, only You can reach those places in me that need tending to the most. Help me to remain in You, so that I can bear much fruit for You, no matter what the season of my life. Amen
It can be bone chilling cold here in Michigan in winter. The kind of cold that takes your breath away. The kind of cold that makes you feel like your bones could just snap. The kind of cold that makes you long for spring. The blue of the sky is rarely seen. Instead it is usually a dark, heavy gray that you can feel weighing down on your shoulders. But every once in a while there is a day that is sunny & warmer than normal and teases you that spring is on the way, a promise of things to come. But winter here is much longer than the calender tells us, lasting sometimes into mid April, so you know you must wait a little longer. But then......
The days get longer, the temperatures stay warmer for days at a time and the wind blows in the smell of spring. The smell of wet, dark earth and the fresh, clean, smell of green. The rains come and wash away the leftovers of winter. Things that were brown begin showing tinges of color. Branches that have been bare become heavy with buds. Spring bulbs poke tentative, tiny green shoots up through the ground. And you long to be out in God's creation. The time of self-imposed hibernation is over and the outside beckons.
When I pull those dead leaves off & uncover tender, new green shoots poking through the dirt, I am always reminded of the work God has done in my life. Of how He rescued me from a very long, dark winter season in my life. I had buried myself in more than leaves for several years. God gently uncovered all the dead & dirt from my life to show me how I could become new in Him. He breathed new life in me through His Son.
And yet, the gentleness and newness of spring does not last. Soon, the sun will become fierce and the rains that were so plentiful dwindle or stop all together. If these new plants are not watered and fed, they become wilted and brown. New growth dries up and if not tended and cared for, dies. Yet if nurtured and tended to, these plants become strong. They grow tall, reaching up to the sun and can withstand the heat it will soon bring.
Very much like my soul. If I do not let God nurture and tend to me, my soul dries up, withers, becomes brown. I do not grow tall or strong and cannot withstand the heat of the circumstances of my life. God does not wish for my soul to become brown and brittle. Jesus said ,"I am the vine and my Father is the gardner......you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;.....This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit..." (John 15: 1, 5, & 8)
God, this is my prayer:
Tend to my soul and nourish it. Remind me, when necessary, that I cannot feed myself, only You can reach those places in me that need tending to the most. Help me to remain in You, so that I can bear much fruit for You, no matter what the season of my life. Amen
Please, God, can I stay up on this mountain top with You?
We've all been there.....
You have been to a worship service or a retreat or a concert that has so uplifted you, has so inspired you, that you know this time it will stick. You feel like you have been to the mountaintop. You feel so connected with God. You can see the woman He wants you to be all the time and you know you can do it!
You will write those notes of encouragement, you will be a nice to your husband and kids no matter what their attitudes are, you will keep your house in order (after all, God is a God of order, not chaos, right?), you will pray daily for all the people on the prayer list, you will take time to visit with that neighbor you don't know very well but seems lonely, you will not join in the gossip at work, you will share your faith with others...And the list goes on and on - the things we know we are supposed to do, but don't always because life and our own stuff gets in the way. But you know this time will be different from the others. This time, you won't let anything stop you - you are on fire for God. You are ready to be used for great things.
And then you get home......
Back to real life....
Home to the same dishes that were in the sink when you left....
Home to homework left until late Sunday night to finish....
Home to an urgent message from work that has to be handled now...
Home to crank, needy kids...
Home to .....lots of things that weren't up there on that mountain top.
And you feel your inspiration and resolve deflate a little, but that's OK. You take a deep breath, breath a little prayer, paste a smile on your face, and dig in to what ever needs to be done and try to stifle that little feeling of resentment that you feel building. That feeling that tells you that these things could have been taken care of without you. That feelings that says "Do I have to handle everything myself?" That feeling that says, "I was created for bigger things than this."
And that feeling of connectedness with God seems a little farther away. But once you get all this mundane, every day stuff handled, you will get it back. That connection you felt. That inspiration you felt. That feeling that God was about to use you for BIG things.
But what if the great things God wants to use you for start with the little, mundane, every day things like being patient with cranky kids and co-workers? What if the great thing He wants you to do is to write notes or make encouraging phone calls? What if this - your every day life -is where God wants to connect with you?
Many Scriptures talk about "everything":
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets -Matt. 7:12.
....and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.Matt. 28:20I
Do everything in love. I Cor. 16:14
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. II Cor. 7:1,
Do everything without complaining or arguing, Phil 2:14,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6,
In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness,... Titus 2:7
Does God mean everything that we think is worthy? I don't think so. If that was what He meant, wouldn't He have said that? God can surely use us for BIG things, but since He is the God of all things, can't He also use us in mighty ways in all the things that seem not so mighty to us? If He had intended for us to be on the mountaintop all the time, that is exactly where we would be. But instead He put us in our families, in our neighborhoods, in our jobs, and even in our churches, where we can make a mighty difference in sometimes very small ways.
I think He takes us to the mountaintop sometimes to give us a little preview of what Eternity with Him will be like. But for now, in this earthly life, He has placed wherever we are to be His light in both big and small ways.
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness! Matt. 25:23
You have been to a worship service or a retreat or a concert that has so uplifted you, has so inspired you, that you know this time it will stick. You feel like you have been to the mountaintop. You feel so connected with God. You can see the woman He wants you to be all the time and you know you can do it!
You will write those notes of encouragement, you will be a nice to your husband and kids no matter what their attitudes are, you will keep your house in order (after all, God is a God of order, not chaos, right?), you will pray daily for all the people on the prayer list, you will take time to visit with that neighbor you don't know very well but seems lonely, you will not join in the gossip at work, you will share your faith with others...And the list goes on and on - the things we know we are supposed to do, but don't always because life and our own stuff gets in the way. But you know this time will be different from the others. This time, you won't let anything stop you - you are on fire for God. You are ready to be used for great things.
And then you get home......
Back to real life....
Home to the same dishes that were in the sink when you left....
Home to homework left until late Sunday night to finish....
Home to an urgent message from work that has to be handled now...
Home to crank, needy kids...
Home to .....lots of things that weren't up there on that mountain top.
And you feel your inspiration and resolve deflate a little, but that's OK. You take a deep breath, breath a little prayer, paste a smile on your face, and dig in to what ever needs to be done and try to stifle that little feeling of resentment that you feel building. That feeling that tells you that these things could have been taken care of without you. That feelings that says "Do I have to handle everything myself?" That feeling that says, "I was created for bigger things than this."
And that feeling of connectedness with God seems a little farther away. But once you get all this mundane, every day stuff handled, you will get it back. That connection you felt. That inspiration you felt. That feeling that God was about to use you for BIG things.
But what if the great things God wants to use you for start with the little, mundane, every day things like being patient with cranky kids and co-workers? What if the great thing He wants you to do is to write notes or make encouraging phone calls? What if this - your every day life -is where God wants to connect with you?
Many Scriptures talk about "everything":
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets -Matt. 7:12.
....and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.Matt. 28:20I
Do everything in love. I Cor. 16:14
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. II Cor. 7:1,
Do everything without complaining or arguing, Phil 2:14,
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6,
In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness,... Titus 2:7
Does God mean everything that we think is worthy? I don't think so. If that was what He meant, wouldn't He have said that? God can surely use us for BIG things, but since He is the God of all things, can't He also use us in mighty ways in all the things that seem not so mighty to us? If He had intended for us to be on the mountaintop all the time, that is exactly where we would be. But instead He put us in our families, in our neighborhoods, in our jobs, and even in our churches, where we can make a mighty difference in sometimes very small ways.
I think He takes us to the mountaintop sometimes to give us a little preview of what Eternity with Him will be like. But for now, in this earthly life, He has placed wherever we are to be His light in both big and small ways.
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness! Matt. 25:23
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Secrets
Remember when you were little and you would share secrets with your best friend? You would tell your secret only after your friend had pinky-sworn not to tell anyone. Sometimes, it was at a sleep over and you were in the dark under the covers, which made the shared secret seem even more special. There was power in that shared secret that only the two of you had -you had a special, often fragile bond formed by that secret. There was also the potential for betrayal with a shared secret, so you had to pick who you shared with very carefully. Sharing a secret implied trust in the person you were sharing with. Sometimes that trust was betrayed bringing embarrassment and anger. But for the most part, when we were young, secrets were special - something to giggle over in the dark or behind the school.
And then there were the secrets we didn't dare share. Dark secrets that were somehow our fault and we were warned not to tell as no one would understand and it wouldn't be special anymore. The longer a secret is kept, the stronger it becomes and the more the power the Enemy can bestow upon it. Power to make us feel ashamed and guilty. Power to make us feel unworthy of any of the good things life has to offer. Power to make us unworthy of any kind of love, especially the most powerful love there is - the love of God.
We hide our secrets in deep, dark places inside. And they become deeper and darker until there is no deeper, darker place they can go and they have to come out. They come out in anger and rage and bitterness, they come out in control issues, they come out in depression and eating disorders, they come out in addictions and broken relationships. Because we don't deserve any better - we have become the shame of our secret. We have believed the lies the Enemy has whispered in our ear for years. You see, the Enemy thrives in the dark places of our life, the places we have shut out the light.
We may or may not be successful in hiding our secrets from the people in our lives, but there is One we can never hide them from. He is there in the darkest, deepest places we can find to bury our shame and hurt. He is there and waiting - waiting to light the darkness; waiting to mend the broken, torn places; waiting to the expose the lies we have been told and believed and replace them with Truth. But we are the only one who holds the keys to those hidden places and we have the choice whether to unlock the door or keep it locked up tight. We have the choice to accept the love & grace he offers or we can choose to be a prisoner of our past, whatever it holds. He sent His most precious offering, His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we no longer have to be in bondage.
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.", in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, (absolutely nothing - the Message) will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39 NIV- italics mine).
Read that again & let it sink in - if the King of the Universe, the One who set the stars in the sky, is for us - for you and me - then who can dare to bring a charge of shame or guilt against us? He longs for us to give up our darkness and to give it up to Him. Somewhere along the way, amid the lies, we have convinced ourselves our secret is so horrible and so big that He can't handle it! Or, even worse, that He doesn't want to! So, we think we have to handle it in our own broken ways - ways that always harm us and usually those around us, too.
Will it be easy? No - putting broken things back together is never easy. Will it be terrifying? Yes - but "perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4: 18b) Will it hurt? Yes - Light always hurts after darkness until we become used to the light. Will it be worth it? Absolutely - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10)
And then there were the secrets we didn't dare share. Dark secrets that were somehow our fault and we were warned not to tell as no one would understand and it wouldn't be special anymore. The longer a secret is kept, the stronger it becomes and the more the power the Enemy can bestow upon it. Power to make us feel ashamed and guilty. Power to make us feel unworthy of any of the good things life has to offer. Power to make us unworthy of any kind of love, especially the most powerful love there is - the love of God.
We hide our secrets in deep, dark places inside. And they become deeper and darker until there is no deeper, darker place they can go and they have to come out. They come out in anger and rage and bitterness, they come out in control issues, they come out in depression and eating disorders, they come out in addictions and broken relationships. Because we don't deserve any better - we have become the shame of our secret. We have believed the lies the Enemy has whispered in our ear for years. You see, the Enemy thrives in the dark places of our life, the places we have shut out the light.
We may or may not be successful in hiding our secrets from the people in our lives, but there is One we can never hide them from. He is there in the darkest, deepest places we can find to bury our shame and hurt. He is there and waiting - waiting to light the darkness; waiting to mend the broken, torn places; waiting to the expose the lies we have been told and believed and replace them with Truth. But we are the only one who holds the keys to those hidden places and we have the choice whether to unlock the door or keep it locked up tight. We have the choice to accept the love & grace he offers or we can choose to be a prisoner of our past, whatever it holds. He sent His most precious offering, His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we no longer have to be in bondage.
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.", in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, (absolutely nothing - the Message) will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39 NIV- italics mine).
Read that again & let it sink in - if the King of the Universe, the One who set the stars in the sky, is for us - for you and me - then who can dare to bring a charge of shame or guilt against us? He longs for us to give up our darkness and to give it up to Him. Somewhere along the way, amid the lies, we have convinced ourselves our secret is so horrible and so big that He can't handle it! Or, even worse, that He doesn't want to! So, we think we have to handle it in our own broken ways - ways that always harm us and usually those around us, too.
Will it be easy? No - putting broken things back together is never easy. Will it be terrifying? Yes - but "perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4: 18b) Will it hurt? Yes - Light always hurts after darkness until we become used to the light. Will it be worth it? Absolutely - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Life's Little Irritations
I had one of those days a couple weeks ago. It was the came on the tail of 3 days of 3 different non-working coffee pots (2 of them brand new from the store). Anyone who knows me even remotely, knows you don't mess with my coffee! The cat doesn't even rub against me in the morning before I've had my coffee. But, I took that all in stride & even viewed it as somewhat comical, making jokes with the customer service person at the store as I was buying my 3rd coffee pot in 3 days. (Which by the way, we love & works just fine. Third time's a charm....)
But the next morning, when I got up to start the coffee in my brand new working coffee pot & the dishes from the night before were still in the sink and on the counter after my teenager told me he would do them before he went to bed, my humor level dropped a little. OK, so I would deal with looking at dirty dishes all day. There would just be more for him to do when he got home from school.
When my laptop wouldn't turn on, even after I plugged the power cord in and fiddled with it, I felt any level of humor I might have had plummet. So, I dragged out the old computer with the key board & bulky monitor & plugged it in and was grateful when it powered up just fine. However, I couldn't get to the internet. Irritation was quickly setting in and rising rapidly. My husband finally solved that problem for me after doing his magic with it. So, out onto the worldwide web I go. Except, none of my settings or passwords are saved on this computer. So, now I have to find the piece of paper I have somewhere with all that information. Mission finally accomplished & I got the all work done that I had wanted to, but the tone for the day had been set. What else would go wrong? Plus, I had spent much more time on this whole process than I had intended. My timing and my plans for my day off had been totally interrupted.
Not sure if that was when the light bulb went off or not - my timing, my plans? Somewhere along the way, interested only in what was inconveniencing me, I had lost sight of the fact that I could go out & buy a new coffee pot if I needed to, that we had electricity to run the coffee pot & coffee to put in the coffee pot. I had lost sight of the fact that we had food to put on dishes. I had lost sight of the fact that we even have a back-up computer. I had lost sight of the fact that I had a day off that I could enjoy. I had lost sight of all the many ways my life is so blessed. I have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, heat, food in the cupboards, a closet full of clothes to choose from, my husband & I both still have jobs (no small feat in Michigan these days), & I know where my children, my healthy children, are. I had completely lost sight of the many, many ways the Lord has blessed me.
I once heard someone say that if you own your own home you are among the richest 3% of the world's population. That blew my mind - I would never have considered us to be materially wealthy! We often have more month left than paycheck, only have one car, and for heaven's sake, don't even have cable TV! And for the most part, I am very content with that, but there are days ......
When did my joy & contentment get tied up with how my day was going & my checkbook balance? When did outside things start to matter more? I don't want to be one of those people that is never satisfied and never happy and always wants more and for the most part I am not. But there are days.....
And on those days, I must just break my Heavenly Father's heart. There is an old song that we don't sing very much at church any more, but it is strongly on my heart today.
"Count your blessings,
count them one by one.
Count your blessings,
see what God has done."
Maybe that's exactly why we have "those days". Maybe it's God's way of gently saying, "That doesn't matter, my darling daughter. All that is just stuff. Look at everything else I have done for you. It is enough."
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